follows

I wonder if he has access to this site.

So a girl emailed me about that other site where his name appears. I felt bad telling her what had happened. I guess it will follow him wherever he goes.

I have a half marathon I am intent on running although 6 miles is the highest I've run, I have to run 8-9 miles tomorrow.

I just spent over 1k on 12 pants, 4 skirts, and 6 suit jackets. I was way depressed and stressed out at work. I decided to stop taking the paranoia medication because of the weight gain. I also gave up on stocking on Pepsi so I can cut down on calories.

I saw the cute guy at work in CT. I may have to go into work this coming Monday, Martin Luther King Jr day. Work is getting stressful.

Paddy is snoring underneath this chair while Guga is sleeping in his Manchester United bed.

thoughts about pp

I have two blogs, one about my dogs that I've shared with friends and this one, where I am anonymous. I had this blog to vent about pp. Now I can vent about him some more. I have been going to therapy for 11 months, and I don't really mention him to either my psychiatrist or my therapist. I am on an anti-depressant, I am off the anti-paranoia and anxiety medication. I was pretty messed up in 2006. I wonder still to this day why he kept f*ing with me. I mean I am on psychotic drugs, and he knew in 2006 that I got on them and he still continued to mess with me.

I am kinda low on money. Money is the root of all evil. I bought the iPhone and I completely was not figuring that into my budget. I want him to pay for my $72.05 medical bill, I know it sounds petty, but I feel like he got off scot-free from this. He never even apologized to me. Yeah, sure he had a court order restricting him from contacting me, but he can totally have apologized to me after they let go of the case. I have his mother's and stepdad's phone number but I won't call and bother them, since it's not their fault they raised a horrible son.

Not that I am bitter or anything.

Sometimes I wish back when I met him, when the cab broke down, I should have heeded the warning from God, and ran away. I wasted 3 years on him. I mean I guess if what he told me was true, he had been in a 3 year and a 5 year relationship, which I am assuming are real girlfriends and not this messed up thing we had. I mean Cat who is the only one who knows the truth behind everything, since I can't admit this to my therapist yet alone my friends, since I know it sounds pretty crazy. But he really did drive me crazy, and it's not like I hid this from him in 2006, when he found out that I broke into his vm. And she said that I should be messed up. He came over and tied me up, and then abused me. What kind of sane guy does that? If a girl says no, that means no. He actually said something to the effect you have to finish what you start, which creeped me out. And then he told me he had lied about all this other stuff, like weird shit.

This is the only place I can rant and rave about him, I can't tell my therapist because she'll probably call me the psycho, when I think we were both psycho. She did bring out something that's interesting, after I kept saying I wanted him to stop contacting me, she asked me why didn't I just stop contacting him. I don't know how to put it, but maybe Cat hit it on the head when she said that maybe I like it when someone is agressive and assertive and orders me around. How sick is that?

I haven't been on a real date, maybe ever. I am 30 years old and it's looking ever so bleak.

You know what's funny though??? I may be filing the taxes for his soccer club. That would be karma though, I think I've spent so much blood and tears on him, I might as well reap some profit over it. Too bad he doesn't do anything with them. Seems to have moved onto rugby and they don't have a listserv I can infiltrate.

Cat said that when I had that other guy JT and mentioned why I didn't want him, she said it was just an excuse it wasn't pp.

Sometimes I think I won't ever get married. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I really think I loved him or I think I am still in love with him, despite everything that has happened. Whatever kind of person I thought he was. I mean he smoked the last time I saw him, or he smokes. I never wanted to date a smoker. I have the cigarettes I bought for him the last time. I may mail it back to him, each cigarette individually.

I hope he moved away. If he knows what's good for him, he'll move back to Toledo. I don't think I'll ever do anything to him. The pet store is next to his bldg. I wonder if he moved away though. He put a lot of money into that apartment -- there is an automatic keypad lock.

After I broke into his vm and he didn't contact me in over a year, I never thought I would see him again. I am sure I'll never see him again after I got him arrested. I just wish he would pay my medical bill since he was responsible for it.

I need to find someone...

Even in my mind I still want him. It's so sad, even if I could meet the most wonderful guy, I still want pp. That's why I have to get over him somehow. He won't talk to me, even though he still has that apt number under his name. ODD.

I wonder if he still lives in this hood. How do I get him to apologize to me about the incident?

on the side

I took Paddy for a walk this morning, I didn't take him out yesterday. I gave him so many treats, he's one spoiled doggy.

I have not heard from pp. Big surprise there.

I wonder how many girls he has on the side.

Saturday nites

I had my fourth therapy session today and we didn't talk about pp. I saw him last Saturday night, even after I told him I wanted to be his friend. He couldn't even manage or dredge up to be my friend. How sad is that?

Then he tried to argue the merits of just doing it for sex, then he said he didn't want to do it. But then when I mentioned the a, he was like it was your call. Then he called me when he was drunk, but it turns out that he was just drunk. He didn't want to do it anymore because I wanted to be his friend. Then we met up on that Saturday night. A Saturday, that was a first.