I need to find someone...

Even in my mind I still want him. It's so sad, even if I could meet the most wonderful guy, I still want pp. That's why I have to get over him somehow. He won't talk to me, even though he still has that apt number under his name. ODD.

I wonder if he still lives in this hood. How do I get him to apologize to me about the incident?

I've turned 30.

I think this is the reason I am in therapy and on medications. Turning 30 and not being anywhere close to being settled with a guy or a great job.

Yes, I need help.

I turned 30 in Barcelona, Spain. We were wandering around for a restaurant and ended up eating at a divey pizza place after wandering around for a few hours.

Patrick Schaal's Birthday

Btw, it's Patrick Schaal's birthday today. He turns 29 years old.

Nothing is going on with his trial or plea, or no one has told me anything. I wonder what is going to happen to the boy.

Guga is chewing my flip flop. I need to pack for my trip to Spain.

Madrid and Barcelona, a needed respite from the craziness. We're staying at the Sofitel in Madrid. Then the Hotel Condes de Barcelona in you guessed it Barcelona. They are really nice 4 star hotels.

Moms that get their son in even more trouble

So Patrick got himself arrested last month, March 29. I can't believe he tried to tie me up and almost did something even worse... Now he is going to have a criminal record. I wonder if he realizes the dire circumstances, that he will have a hard time securing a job, having to explain it in interviews. Does he realize what he did?I hope he reads this blog, Patrick Schaal, and straightens himself out either in rehab or AA meetings. He had gotten himself into a DUI in January and was arrested by the same officer. He told him that he thinks alcohol gets him in trouble and Patrick agreed. I guess he didn't heed his words to not drink so much, or stop drinking.

I called his parents, his stepdad who called his mom who called me. I spoke to her for an hour almost and she was very shocked. I then called her again to let her know that her son was released, and then I called a third time to find out if he was sorry to see if I can not go ahead with the charges. The second time was a message and she called back thanking me for calling her. The third time I spoke to her and she got hostile with me for continuing to call her. So I told her nevermind. And then she listened to the message where I said I didn't want to press charges. But after speaking to her I decided she was a bitch and that her son deserved to go to jail and have it on his record.

So now he will regret this for the rest of his life.

Guga

Guga came into my life on April 18, 2007. He was born on November 16, 2006. I was wandering around the village after a tax client appointment and stumbled into Parrots and Pups, the same store where Paddy is from. I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him although he was not interested in me at all. When we started playing, I held him in my arms and he started to cry. I couldn't put him back. I took him home that night and introduced him to the other love of my life, Paddy.

He's been a member of our family ever since.

The Assault

So this was an interesting week. I am such an idiot for contacting pp. He came over and was drunk. I didn't know he was drinking that much. He also smokes. That's besides the point.
Anyways, he tied me up (with my permission) but then he started hurting me and I asked him to stop many times, and he wouldn't. I finally got free after many minutes of struggling and bruising. I then got dressed, ran to the kitchen and got a knife, whereby I started slashing him. Then I splashed some Clorox after he wouldn't leave. Then I called the police and finally got some cops to come by 2 hours or so later. They arrested him shortly thereafter.

I called his stepdad - I wanted his dad's #, but he called his mom and then she called me. We spoke on the phone for 40 minutes.

Apparently, she knows he has a drinking problem. Didn't know about the std or me. I told her about his DUI and the assault. She didn't want to call him because her mom had a heart attack and she couldn't be with him. She is trying to contact his dad to be with him.

I feel bad cuz she sounded really distraught. I called her the day after to let her know that he was released that night from jail. She called back and thanked me for letting her know. I didn't call her back. He knows that she knows and hopefully he'll call her to let her know he is alright.

I don't know why I did that, I think it's cuz I know that I can't help him anymore, he doesn't want my help and now it's illegal for him to contact me, and I guess me contacting him would be a bad idea. So I told his mom, his stepdad, in the hopes that they care enough about him to get him some much needed help.

No matter what happens, I just wanted to be his friend. And that's how I justify it to myself. I didn't want him to go to jail, I didn't want him to hurt me. I didn't want him to get an STD or give me an STD, twice. I just wanted him to be STD-free, and alcohol-independent.

I just am sad because I wasn't able to help him in the end. I hope this is a wake-up call for him to straighten himself out. I hope he gets something for the DUI, even though he'll most likely get off for the "assault". I was kinda annoyed but then I was relieved, I don't want to get called into testify against him. In the end, I don't think I would have. I was partly responsible for calling him over. But that doesn't justify what he did.

Hex

So get this, the trainer at the gym has a following, well it's me and this girl that actually posted something on missed connections. I am pretty sure it's him because he was training this morning and he is the hottest trainer there.

I am going to have to move on from the guy, if he has a following, I better stay away. Also, he didn't call me back to train me so he must have a full schedule.

I am going to put a hex spell on pp. For giving it to me twice.

He is going to really have a string of bad luck.

I think I am finally over PS. It's finally over.

He is a moron.

I am going to get that cute trainer to train me, since I am getting a huge refund back. I am going to get a boyfriend and married by next September.

It's a good thing it's over, because I reserved that dress, putting money down. I wasn't ever getting near a relationship with pp.

So now, back to the dating pool.

I hope he runs and trains for the marathon with me.

Working for the UN and coming from money would be great too!

So it's finally over, I am so relieved. I couldn't even look at the guy anymore, he disgusts me. He disappointed me. He wasn't even clever or smart enough to take care of himself.

In some ways, I wish I never cared enough to harass him. He could still have it and get infertile. Hopefully for the sake of the future world, he is sterile or will choose to not have kids.

He is a dumb individual.

I would have went to the police or an attorney way before he threatened just now. Just end it already.

I could care less if an attorney reads this and tries to arrest me. I am entitled to free speech. As for the actual address, a lot of the time people are caricatured and slandered. Bush is slandered with a ton of people knowing where he lives.

The world keeps moving.

If he had a case, he would have gone to the lawyer and police already. They will just laugh it off in the same manner as he is laughable.

Flying away

A new day, a new world.

So I was text msg'ing pp because I wanted to let him know I got the test results records copied and printed out.

He didn't need them. I told him you're welcome or in the case that I gave it to you, then I'm sorry. He was like thanks, ditto. I also told him the next guy that gave it to me I will kill. He said it was understandable.

I said I don't even get an apology. And he wrote me "sorry may". Finally, acknowledgement and an expression of remorse. I said wow, I'm gonna save this tm and that I will stop bothering him. He said no bother... Then he asked me about ever being with a girl. I told him I was surprised that he wanted anything to do with me. And he said, "covered of course."

So the saga continues. I might shell out $300 for Ms. Madalyn Alsyn because I am confused and need guidance. She also doesn't seem to be a scam artist, since it's a one-time fee. I need to call her because I had blown her off.

I am getting a tidy sum of money back from my taxes. As soon as I get my Rudd property tax statement and then my CF W-2, I have all my other tax forms needed.

I am also bartending this Sunday for a small private get-together.

And to top it off, I am interviewing this Thursday for an IA position at a Fortune 500 consumer products company.

Anyways, I hope I get it so I can travel but it would entail 50% travel. And then I won't see pp and that would be over. Not sure if I should do that.

Sterility and Sleeping Dogs

Paddy is snoring. He sleeps so much. At least 14 hours a day.

I wonder if he has access to this website or even cares what I write anymore.

Catherine is on her tenth Mexican guy she is in love with.

Valerie the 'psychic' turned out to be a scam artist. She had me fill this Hellman's jar with water that I had cleansed my face with and it had turned black. Only I think she changed the jars. I had previously filled a Classico jar with water and she made me go find a Hellman's jar so I think she had switched the jars. The water didn't seem to be the same amount I had poured into mine, so that alerted me to the problem.

So I don't have any resolution on what to do with him.

He did tell me he has it. Or was diagnosed with being borderline - whatever that means. I have to go to my gynecologist and pay a bill and collect my records to show him. I wonder if we'll sleep with each other in the future. I obviously enjoy it immensely with him, so I'm up for it. He told me he'll call me in a few weeks with the records to let me know what the other results from the follow-up test are. It sounds kinda over. It sounds like he is fed up with me accusing him and acting all psycho. I am sorta sad about it. But it's a good thing to move on and find my true prince charming who will want to whisk me away to a castle and marry me and have me be the mother of his children.

Pp had told me that he didn't want to have any children, when I said he might be sterile. That's not good. I wonder why he doesn't want to have kids. I just said that it's good that his stupid genes won't be passed on.. I didn't want to pry since it wasn't like we were ever going to get married to each other, so it was a moot point.

Digging a hole

I have not heard from patrick... what's up with that? He yelled at me for reminding me to tell him about the results and I am trying to wait patiently, maybe he won't get the results til next Monday, in which that would definitely be over the 7 days that is needed to run the tests if he had taken it on Thursday.

Paddy is digging a hole in the couch to hide the cookie dog bone. Weird, he won't eat it but he will try and dig a hole for it. He ain't that swift, he takes after his namesake.

I have been seeing a psychic. Her name is Valerie. She looks like she is 14. She charged me for the initial consult and then 3 charts so it came to $80. I was supposed to see her mom, Theresa, but then she became my clairvoyant. She has been asking me to do these rituals, like bathe in sea salts, and dress in white. I just wanted to find out what the future holds and if he is the one for me. But she said the vibrations are not coming in that clear and she doesn't know yet. She said that I was destined to meet him, that I was supposed to meet him. She said that he is a nice guy.

My friend Leigh Ann said she is off-target there.

Her mom saw me last time cuz they have to battle two generations and said there was a man who loves me, but there was great confusion and miscommunication. I wonder if she meant him since the verdict was still out with Valerie. Since I like clinging to hope, I didn't want to correct her. I see her tomorrow night right before hanging out with Eneida. I haven't seen her in a while since she handled the closing of the coop.

Now Paddy is staring off into the distance, I wonder if he can tell the future. I wonder if he was a real human boy in a previous life.

What is up with pp? Should I just wait it out or will it be like last time, waiting for an answer and finally calling him a month or so later, and he denies ever having it. I wonder if he dug himself a hole he can't get out of.

Moment of Truth............

Tom Brady is a hottie. I hope the Patriots win against the Colts.

I am wondering if I should go to Manchester in April to watch Cristiano Ronaldo of the United Manchester football team. It will cost about $660 for the airfare and then another $400 for the hotel and probably another $200 for the tickets. There are two games though.

Is he hot enough to justify it?

So the results of the test will be back tomorrow. I wonder if he will tell me the truth. He was the only one who could have given it to me.

Lobster Pasta

I took off this post as well. My dog ate the leftovers of my lobster, he is one lucky dog.

I want pp to owe me an apology. I don't even think him dating me after this would help at all. It'll be like a pity relationship. HAHAHA.

Merry

Merry Christmas!
A lot has happened since the last post. I got annoyed cuz pp was playing around with me and then when I said I'd call someone else, he said some other girl was coming over who was "tighter" and "way hotter, not that you're even hot." So I got annoyed - she might be hotter, but no way is she tighter.

Anyways, I wrote him a nasty email - and a nastier email after that. He wanted me to dress up for him -- in a black, lacy thong. I didn't own such thing. So then after a day, I got depressed and so I emailed him with a subject header "hi - black thong".

He actually responded two days later, so he didn't think that threatening email -- where I basically told him to get AIDs and die a horrible death -- did not phase him. Or maybe he didn't want to get dumped.

on the side

I took Paddy for a walk this morning, I didn't take him out yesterday. I gave him so many treats, he's one spoiled doggy.

I have not heard from pp. Big surprise there.

I wonder how many girls he has on the side.

Saturday nites

I had my fourth therapy session today and we didn't talk about pp. I saw him last Saturday night, even after I told him I wanted to be his friend. He couldn't even manage or dredge up to be my friend. How sad is that?

Then he tried to argue the merits of just doing it for sex, then he said he didn't want to do it. But then when I mentioned the a, he was like it was your call. Then he called me when he was drunk, but it turns out that he was just drunk. He didn't want to do it anymore because I wanted to be his friend. Then we met up on that Saturday night. A Saturday, that was a first.

Rebirth

OK, no way am I gonna use any trace of his name. How did he find my blog???

I am so miserable. It's over. I sent him an email telling him I wanted more. He doesn't want more from me. He will go away. It's really over this time. He doesn't want anything from me besides my sex. My therapist pretty much said that. She said that she'll make me stronger. That was nice of her to say that. I don't need her though. I am going to be strong.

Patrick is not coming back. pp is gone. I won't take this blog off, there is no more associating this to him.

She'll never change her ways
Don't fool yourself - she was heartache from the moment that you met her
My heart is frozen still as I try to find the will to forget her somehow
She's somewhere out there now
I think I've forgottten her now
Her love is a rose, pale and dying.

Jeff Buckley captures how I feel. Forget her, is Forget him.

My tears are falling down as I try to forget
The love was a joke since the day that we met
All of the words
All of the men
All of my pain when I think back to when


I love him. He won't know that. He'll never know that I would have always loved him.

He was the buster. I was disarming, that's my euphemism.

I am going to be in CT the next few days. I can't take it anymore. I will stay there and recuperate.