I've calmed down since this past Friday, maybe I had a manic attack?
Waiting for a client to come to discuss the QB file and bank account reconciliation.
Very busy at work. I could only meet up with Carl once this past week. I am so happy he's so understanding about my work schedule.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
I hate Patrick Schaal and I hope he doesn't hurt any other girl like he hurt me back in March of 2007
I need to see my therapist pronto. I wonder if I can move it to Monday or Tuesday. Or keep to Wednesday.
I majorly imploded with Carl. I am so distraught about finding news of Patrick Schaal's engagement to his long-term girlfriend. I discovered this in late July as his Facebook is not hidden. It really pisses me off that he ruined my life and caused all this mental anguish and paranoia back in November of 2007. I wish I never had met him. I lost my best friend Leigh Ann to the assault and I couldn't bear to stay in my coop in Washington Heights as I had bad memories of Patrick assaulting me in my bedroom. If I hadn't fought back I shudder to think what he would have done to me. If only he had broken my wrist or blackened my eye or showed more signs of physical abuse. Alas he was not arrested for assault and let go with a warning. I wonder if he had raped me if anyone would have believed it. Because that was what it was pointing to.
After the incident, I was fine or so I thought. But then I started to immediately get paranoid that other people on the street knew about the incident. I finally broke down at my therapist's appointment one Friday evening in November and before I knew it I was headed to Cornell Weill's Mental Institute in a cab with my therapist. I was admitted Friday night and couldn't get released until 11 scary days in the mental ward. I had always talked or spoken of wanting to commit suicide. But I would never do it because I'm deeply religious and I believe my soul will be condemned to hell for taking my own life. I also think I may botch up the attempt and end up mute, in a wheelchair or some other living worst case scenario, or locked up in a mental institute again. My dad understands this and never thought I'd be suicidal. It was like my grandma on my mother's side who always wished her death to be soon and swift. She led a sad life. I don't want to get into the details but she was suicidal so I guess it was a blessing in disguise for her to get pancreatic or liver or some vital organ's cancer and be dead within 3-5 months. At the young age of 69 too. My parents are both over that age and I don't know how long they have until they too die. I would never want to cause my parents any sort of anguish over taking over my life so as soon as they die, all bets are off.
I got off the medications because I wanted to get pregnant and have my own baby on my own with no help of a guy. I can't live with any guy in the same bedroom. I like having my own bed to myself and in the past I would never let the guy sleep over or if I did sleep over I would park myself on the couch and just say the person was snoring if any guy questioned my sleeping arrangements.
But then I relapsed in May of 2013. I am only so happy that it didn't happen in Feb or March where it would have impacted all my tax business. I just lost all of my bookkeeping businesses except for Adam who we go way back and Samantha who re-hired me this past March-April when taxes were due and her new accountant was faulty and caused some filing penalties.
So now I am trying to rebuild my business.
I'm living at home with my parents, have major insomnia these past few weeks and just generally unhappy with my life. Having Carl in my life is not helping much as there are serious questions about how serious he is with me. I don't want to look for Mr Perfect or Mr Right, I know no such guy exists. It's all about compromises. But maybe I've scared away Carl for good. Maybe that's what I wanted to do all along. Who knows? I don't think I want to get pregnant if there's a more than likely chance that my baby will be mentally ill. If Carl's dad was correct and mentally ill runs in the blood I don't want to bring that type of new life in the world, knowing they will be doomed to feelings of utter despair.
Tonight I truly experienced a manic experience. Highs and lows unimaginable to the non-mentally ill.
I took it out on Carl but it's in effect a statement of how deeply sad I am about my present state of being. I really wish to God that I wasn't mentally ill. Did Patrick cause my psychosis or was it always there to begin with? I just wish for his fiancé's sake that he has truly reformed himself and is not abusive or dangerous if he drinks too much. Maybe he went to rehab or something to get over that.
But now I know I must take my costly medicine every day for fear of relapse. The doctors in the mental institution at St Luke's told me I was schizophrenic to scare me into taking medications and it worked. I can't believe I'm bipolar with schizophrenic episodes. I have to take 2 80 mg tables of Geodon (for schizophrenia) and 7.5 mg of Zyprexa (for my paranoia) along with one tablet of benztropine to prevent a relapse and to keep me on the even keel. I must remain on medication for the rest of my life and who knows the rates of cancer for some of these mental illness medications. It's a trade-off perhaps. I am just happy I am no longer suicidal or depressed. I am not per se happy but I am not wanting to die until tonight when I broke down thinking I really didn't want to be manic or taking medications for the rest of my life.
I have to tell Dr Sherman about my manic episode today and my suicidal thoughts. I don't think I want to commit suicide but I was crying hysterically tonight wishing that I was just normal and not mentally ill and weak.
And I don't know if Carl was scared off about my talks of wanting to get pregnant and demanding more time with him on weekends. Not sure if I should accept the status quo and just meet him during the week. It makes me very suspicious about whether he has a gf or wife and is with them and his family (even perhaps having children). It's all possible since I never went to this workplace or his home. He could have a live-in girlfriend who works crazy hours during the week and won't notice his absence on some weeknights. Or married with children in the suburbs.
The reason I am so suspicious is because the night he came over this past Thursday he wanted the password to the wi-fi so he can check his emails on the iPhone 4s that I gave to him as a present. In the process of putting it into his new iPhone I saw a pop-up message from an Asian-sounding name that said she still wants him or still misses him, I forget one of those types of messages. It happened before any sex/making love. Carl just brushed it aside, put the phone away and we made love. But I was deeply worried about that message. He said the next day or that night when he returned to his apt that it was a sexbot and had a link to a site he dared not click. It's a believable story but the name was Asian so it made me think it wasn't a bot. I can't accuse him without more proof or perhaps hacking into his AIM but I am trying not to be too psychotic over guys.
And another suspicious thing that I could also confirm is that Carl doesn't carry any ID or wallet around with him. That it's too bulky to carry on his self. But then how does he get into his workplace. He says there's no security card swipe. I find that very hard to believe. I could always drop by his workplace and see if they indeed don't have any secure measures of entering the building but I am not the stalker suspicious type. I would then have no trust in Carl and without trust there is no relationship!
OK this post is super-long but I can't get to sleep tonight and I don't know what to do with Carl. Breaking up seems like the only thing I should do but I do care about him deeply. I also can't do friends after breaking up so it's either all dating or nothing no communication. I have to see what my other friends think about the situation but ultimately it's mine to make.
I wouldn't be too sad if it didn't work out with Carl because I never took him seriously. I guess my therapist was right in terms of building a wall around my heart so as to not be hurt, unintentionally or intentionally by Carl.
Maybe I should take a break from Carl and see if I miss him or feel better or happier without his presence in my life.
Any thoughts out there, in the Internet world. I wonder if anyone even reads my blog. Maybe my brother who I know not to mention in fears he reads it and then will be pissed I wrote about it in my blog.
And I hope Elaine's bf doesn't keep a track of this blog either. I would be so mortified if that was the case. I don't know why I publish my entries here. Maybe I will use my other blog that I never told anyone about.
Anyways it's almost 5AM so I can wake up officially at 6AM .. Only one more hour to go.
I may officially start blogging on my other blog so that no one including my ex in DC can read about my life. I hate that David guy but he never did hurt me because I was never even remotely close to being in love with him.
I know I'm in love with Carl, I am just not sure if I love him enough to keep going at the relationship on his terms.
I majorly imploded with Carl. I am so distraught about finding news of Patrick Schaal's engagement to his long-term girlfriend. I discovered this in late July as his Facebook is not hidden. It really pisses me off that he ruined my life and caused all this mental anguish and paranoia back in November of 2007. I wish I never had met him. I lost my best friend Leigh Ann to the assault and I couldn't bear to stay in my coop in Washington Heights as I had bad memories of Patrick assaulting me in my bedroom. If I hadn't fought back I shudder to think what he would have done to me. If only he had broken my wrist or blackened my eye or showed more signs of physical abuse. Alas he was not arrested for assault and let go with a warning. I wonder if he had raped me if anyone would have believed it. Because that was what it was pointing to.
After the incident, I was fine or so I thought. But then I started to immediately get paranoid that other people on the street knew about the incident. I finally broke down at my therapist's appointment one Friday evening in November and before I knew it I was headed to Cornell Weill's Mental Institute in a cab with my therapist. I was admitted Friday night and couldn't get released until 11 scary days in the mental ward. I had always talked or spoken of wanting to commit suicide. But I would never do it because I'm deeply religious and I believe my soul will be condemned to hell for taking my own life. I also think I may botch up the attempt and end up mute, in a wheelchair or some other living worst case scenario, or locked up in a mental institute again. My dad understands this and never thought I'd be suicidal. It was like my grandma on my mother's side who always wished her death to be soon and swift. She led a sad life. I don't want to get into the details but she was suicidal so I guess it was a blessing in disguise for her to get pancreatic or liver or some vital organ's cancer and be dead within 3-5 months. At the young age of 69 too. My parents are both over that age and I don't know how long they have until they too die. I would never want to cause my parents any sort of anguish over taking over my life so as soon as they die, all bets are off.
I got off the medications because I wanted to get pregnant and have my own baby on my own with no help of a guy. I can't live with any guy in the same bedroom. I like having my own bed to myself and in the past I would never let the guy sleep over or if I did sleep over I would park myself on the couch and just say the person was snoring if any guy questioned my sleeping arrangements.
But then I relapsed in May of 2013. I am only so happy that it didn't happen in Feb or March where it would have impacted all my tax business. I just lost all of my bookkeeping businesses except for Adam who we go way back and Samantha who re-hired me this past March-April when taxes were due and her new accountant was faulty and caused some filing penalties.
So now I am trying to rebuild my business.
I'm living at home with my parents, have major insomnia these past few weeks and just generally unhappy with my life. Having Carl in my life is not helping much as there are serious questions about how serious he is with me. I don't want to look for Mr Perfect or Mr Right, I know no such guy exists. It's all about compromises. But maybe I've scared away Carl for good. Maybe that's what I wanted to do all along. Who knows? I don't think I want to get pregnant if there's a more than likely chance that my baby will be mentally ill. If Carl's dad was correct and mentally ill runs in the blood I don't want to bring that type of new life in the world, knowing they will be doomed to feelings of utter despair.
Tonight I truly experienced a manic experience. Highs and lows unimaginable to the non-mentally ill.
I took it out on Carl but it's in effect a statement of how deeply sad I am about my present state of being. I really wish to God that I wasn't mentally ill. Did Patrick cause my psychosis or was it always there to begin with? I just wish for his fiancé's sake that he has truly reformed himself and is not abusive or dangerous if he drinks too much. Maybe he went to rehab or something to get over that.
But now I know I must take my costly medicine every day for fear of relapse. The doctors in the mental institution at St Luke's told me I was schizophrenic to scare me into taking medications and it worked. I can't believe I'm bipolar with schizophrenic episodes. I have to take 2 80 mg tables of Geodon (for schizophrenia) and 7.5 mg of Zyprexa (for my paranoia) along with one tablet of benztropine to prevent a relapse and to keep me on the even keel. I must remain on medication for the rest of my life and who knows the rates of cancer for some of these mental illness medications. It's a trade-off perhaps. I am just happy I am no longer suicidal or depressed. I am not per se happy but I am not wanting to die until tonight when I broke down thinking I really didn't want to be manic or taking medications for the rest of my life.
I have to tell Dr Sherman about my manic episode today and my suicidal thoughts. I don't think I want to commit suicide but I was crying hysterically tonight wishing that I was just normal and not mentally ill and weak.
And I don't know if Carl was scared off about my talks of wanting to get pregnant and demanding more time with him on weekends. Not sure if I should accept the status quo and just meet him during the week. It makes me very suspicious about whether he has a gf or wife and is with them and his family (even perhaps having children). It's all possible since I never went to this workplace or his home. He could have a live-in girlfriend who works crazy hours during the week and won't notice his absence on some weeknights. Or married with children in the suburbs.
The reason I am so suspicious is because the night he came over this past Thursday he wanted the password to the wi-fi so he can check his emails on the iPhone 4s that I gave to him as a present. In the process of putting it into his new iPhone I saw a pop-up message from an Asian-sounding name that said she still wants him or still misses him, I forget one of those types of messages. It happened before any sex/making love. Carl just brushed it aside, put the phone away and we made love. But I was deeply worried about that message. He said the next day or that night when he returned to his apt that it was a sexbot and had a link to a site he dared not click. It's a believable story but the name was Asian so it made me think it wasn't a bot. I can't accuse him without more proof or perhaps hacking into his AIM but I am trying not to be too psychotic over guys.
And another suspicious thing that I could also confirm is that Carl doesn't carry any ID or wallet around with him. That it's too bulky to carry on his self. But then how does he get into his workplace. He says there's no security card swipe. I find that very hard to believe. I could always drop by his workplace and see if they indeed don't have any secure measures of entering the building but I am not the stalker suspicious type. I would then have no trust in Carl and without trust there is no relationship!
OK this post is super-long but I can't get to sleep tonight and I don't know what to do with Carl. Breaking up seems like the only thing I should do but I do care about him deeply. I also can't do friends after breaking up so it's either all dating or nothing no communication. I have to see what my other friends think about the situation but ultimately it's mine to make.
I wouldn't be too sad if it didn't work out with Carl because I never took him seriously. I guess my therapist was right in terms of building a wall around my heart so as to not be hurt, unintentionally or intentionally by Carl.
Maybe I should take a break from Carl and see if I miss him or feel better or happier without his presence in my life.
Any thoughts out there, in the Internet world. I wonder if anyone even reads my blog. Maybe my brother who I know not to mention in fears he reads it and then will be pissed I wrote about it in my blog.
And I hope Elaine's bf doesn't keep a track of this blog either. I would be so mortified if that was the case. I don't know why I publish my entries here. Maybe I will use my other blog that I never told anyone about.
Anyways it's almost 5AM so I can wake up officially at 6AM .. Only one more hour to go.
I may officially start blogging on my other blog so that no one including my ex in DC can read about my life. I hate that David guy but he never did hurt me because I was never even remotely close to being in love with him.
I know I'm in love with Carl, I am just not sure if I love him enough to keep going at the relationship on his terms.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Whoops long time since last post will try to make it memorable
OK I logged on here a few days ago but failed to log in an entry.
I am super busy with work. Which is good so I can earn some extra cash and be able to move out in December or January. Not sure if Carl will be able to spend more time with me once I move out. Not even sure if I should move out at all.
Questions, questions! Decisions, decisions!
I am debating on whether or not I should attend the Real Madrid meetup tonight and give them cash to be a member. I have to check and see if those dates are days that I can even attend the match. I think the first El Clasico hosted in Madrid I can make in October. But the March 22 is tentative and not likely as I get super busy with taxes around that time. Not sure if I should spend $25 on just one match and a tee-shirt!
Carl and I are still dating.. Nothing too serious tho which is good on my side. We see each other 2-3 times a week. This week we are aiming for 3 visits. One conjugal, one museum and one movie meetup. We shall see if that is what happens this week. I'm super busy tho so if I don't see him that much I can survive.
May
I am super busy with work. Which is good so I can earn some extra cash and be able to move out in December or January. Not sure if Carl will be able to spend more time with me once I move out. Not even sure if I should move out at all.
Questions, questions! Decisions, decisions!
I am debating on whether or not I should attend the Real Madrid meetup tonight and give them cash to be a member. I have to check and see if those dates are days that I can even attend the match. I think the first El Clasico hosted in Madrid I can make in October. But the March 22 is tentative and not likely as I get super busy with taxes around that time. Not sure if I should spend $25 on just one match and a tee-shirt!
Carl and I are still dating.. Nothing too serious tho which is good on my side. We see each other 2-3 times a week. This week we are aiming for 3 visits. One conjugal, one museum and one movie meetup. We shall see if that is what happens this week. I'm super busy tho so if I don't see him that much I can survive.
May
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