back to running

So I've finally kickstarted my return to the gym. I feel and look fat. It's not a self-esteem issue. Since going on the meds, I've gained about 5 lbs. This is also from getting hunger pangs. I'm doing 3 miles at a 9:30 pace, I have to improve this to 8:30 to qualify for the Boston Marathon.

I've registered for the Big Sur International Marathon in Carmel, CA on Sunday April 27, 2008. I am determined to run this marathon and even ordered a long-sleeve jersey. I'm getting really psyched about the location, it's on Highway 1 in Cali, however it's very hilly, so I have started to incorporate hills in my treadmill training. When the weather gets better in February, I'll take the training outdoors. I have to start waking up in the mornings to get to the gym. When I wake up at 6am, it's dark outside, so it's hard to get out of bed. I'll just set both alarms on my clock within 10 minutes of each other to force me to get out of bed twice. The second time should reinforce my motivation to get to the gym. My goal is to complete the marathon in less than 3:40.

Paddy and Guga are getting along much better these days, they are not fighting each other. Their playfighting doesn't escalate to any cuts or bruises, so I am getting relieved. Guga is still not pad-trained, he'll go on the one area of the kitchen that is not covered with a wee wee pad.

I need to make a new run mix. I've downloaded some older running beat songs, just have to make a playlist of them.

Justin Timberlake is on SNL tonight. My life has become thankfully normal and boring.

Day before...

So tomorrow is my first day back to work. I'm feeling very trepidatious. Paddy and Guga are snoring away on the couch. I have to post the pics of the two dogs that were taken over the summer by a Japanese female photographer I met at an event that I bartended at.

Tonight I went to dinner at Applebee's with my parents who were trying to iron out my nerves.

At work, I hope I'm able to carry on about my nasty bout with pneumonia.

I've been bidding like a fiend on a bunch of eBay auctions. I found the nicest pair of shoes and a lovely shirt. I've gotta get back to work. I hope it goes well. I'll try to fill a blog entry out each night, a therapeutic blogging.

I wonder who commented on April 29. Whoever you are, the one person who reads this blog, state who you are!

Thanksgiving Day

It's Thanksgiving, and I am using this journal to write down my feelings. I had gotten discharged from the hospital last Tuesday November 13th, after an 11 day stay in the Payne Whitney Clinic.

I'm thankful for my parents, my brother and good friends, who have supported me. I am also hoping that the workplace is supportive. I am trying to schedule a meeting with my manager on Wednesday to go back and then come back to the Intensive Outpatient Program on Thursday to report how it went.

I'll try and check in daily and write my feelings down.

Paddy and Guga the Boston Terrier really missed me. I am going back to my apartment tomorrow night with Guga until Sunday morning.

thoughts about pp

I have two blogs, one about my dogs that I've shared with friends and this one, where I am anonymous. I had this blog to vent about pp. Now I can vent about him some more. I have been going to therapy for 11 months, and I don't really mention him to either my psychiatrist or my therapist. I am on an anti-depressant, I am off the anti-paranoia and anxiety medication. I was pretty messed up in 2006. I wonder still to this day why he kept f*ing with me. I mean I am on psychotic drugs, and he knew in 2006 that I got on them and he still continued to mess with me.

I am kinda low on money. Money is the root of all evil. I bought the iPhone and I completely was not figuring that into my budget. I want him to pay for my $72.05 medical bill, I know it sounds petty, but I feel like he got off scot-free from this. He never even apologized to me. Yeah, sure he had a court order restricting him from contacting me, but he can totally have apologized to me after they let go of the case. I have his mother's and stepdad's phone number but I won't call and bother them, since it's not their fault they raised a horrible son.

Not that I am bitter or anything.

Sometimes I wish back when I met him, when the cab broke down, I should have heeded the warning from God, and ran away. I wasted 3 years on him. I mean I guess if what he told me was true, he had been in a 3 year and a 5 year relationship, which I am assuming are real girlfriends and not this messed up thing we had. I mean Cat who is the only one who knows the truth behind everything, since I can't admit this to my therapist yet alone my friends, since I know it sounds pretty crazy. But he really did drive me crazy, and it's not like I hid this from him in 2006, when he found out that I broke into his vm. And she said that I should be messed up. He came over and tied me up, and then abused me. What kind of sane guy does that? If a girl says no, that means no. He actually said something to the effect you have to finish what you start, which creeped me out. And then he told me he had lied about all this other stuff, like weird shit.

This is the only place I can rant and rave about him, I can't tell my therapist because she'll probably call me the psycho, when I think we were both psycho. She did bring out something that's interesting, after I kept saying I wanted him to stop contacting me, she asked me why didn't I just stop contacting him. I don't know how to put it, but maybe Cat hit it on the head when she said that maybe I like it when someone is agressive and assertive and orders me around. How sick is that?

I haven't been on a real date, maybe ever. I am 30 years old and it's looking ever so bleak.

You know what's funny though??? I may be filing the taxes for his soccer club. That would be karma though, I think I've spent so much blood and tears on him, I might as well reap some profit over it. Too bad he doesn't do anything with them. Seems to have moved onto rugby and they don't have a listserv I can infiltrate.

Cat said that when I had that other guy JT and mentioned why I didn't want him, she said it was just an excuse it wasn't pp.

Sometimes I think I won't ever get married. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I really think I loved him or I think I am still in love with him, despite everything that has happened. Whatever kind of person I thought he was. I mean he smoked the last time I saw him, or he smokes. I never wanted to date a smoker. I have the cigarettes I bought for him the last time. I may mail it back to him, each cigarette individually.

I hope he moved away. If he knows what's good for him, he'll move back to Toledo. I don't think I'll ever do anything to him. The pet store is next to his bldg. I wonder if he moved away though. He put a lot of money into that apartment -- there is an automatic keypad lock.

After I broke into his vm and he didn't contact me in over a year, I never thought I would see him again. I am sure I'll never see him again after I got him arrested. I just wish he would pay my medical bill since he was responsible for it.

Claim

I wanted to file a claim in small claims court against pp, even emailed him about it. I have to pay 72.05 in medical bills plus my insurance company was inquiring about the whole incident and what caused it. I should just say it's my own fault and pay it myself so I don't ever have to deal with it. I wish I made more so I could.

I've decided to scan in the court documents against him. If he makes me pay for this, I will have my last say in the matter.

I am very sick with bronchitis.

I am going to leave him alone though, and not file anything since that will prolly not be progress according to my therapy.

I need to find someone...

Even in my mind I still want him. It's so sad, even if I could meet the most wonderful guy, I still want pp. That's why I have to get over him somehow. He won't talk to me, even though he still has that apt number under his name. ODD.

I wonder if he still lives in this hood. How do I get him to apologize to me about the incident?

I've turned 30.

I think this is the reason I am in therapy and on medications. Turning 30 and not being anywhere close to being settled with a guy or a great job.

Yes, I need help.

I turned 30 in Barcelona, Spain. We were wandering around for a restaurant and ended up eating at a divey pizza place after wandering around for a few hours.

Patrick Schaal's Birthday

Btw, it's Patrick Schaal's birthday today. He turns 29 years old.

Nothing is going on with his trial or plea, or no one has told me anything. I wonder what is going to happen to the boy.

Guga is chewing my flip flop. I need to pack for my trip to Spain.

Madrid and Barcelona, a needed respite from the craziness. We're staying at the Sofitel in Madrid. Then the Hotel Condes de Barcelona in you guessed it Barcelona. They are really nice 4 star hotels.

Moms that get their son in even more trouble

So Patrick got himself arrested last month, March 29. I can't believe he tried to tie me up and almost did something even worse... Now he is going to have a criminal record. I wonder if he realizes the dire circumstances, that he will have a hard time securing a job, having to explain it in interviews. Does he realize what he did?I hope he reads this blog, Patrick Schaal, and straightens himself out either in rehab or AA meetings. He had gotten himself into a DUI in January and was arrested by the same officer. He told him that he thinks alcohol gets him in trouble and Patrick agreed. I guess he didn't heed his words to not drink so much, or stop drinking.

I called his parents, his stepdad who called his mom who called me. I spoke to her for an hour almost and she was very shocked. I then called her again to let her know that her son was released, and then I called a third time to find out if he was sorry to see if I can not go ahead with the charges. The second time was a message and she called back thanking me for calling her. The third time I spoke to her and she got hostile with me for continuing to call her. So I told her nevermind. And then she listened to the message where I said I didn't want to press charges. But after speaking to her I decided she was a bitch and that her son deserved to go to jail and have it on his record.

So now he will regret this for the rest of his life.

Guga

Guga came into my life on April 18, 2007. He was born on November 16, 2006. I was wandering around the village after a tax client appointment and stumbled into Parrots and Pups, the same store where Paddy is from. I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him although he was not interested in me at all. When we started playing, I held him in my arms and he started to cry. I couldn't put him back. I took him home that night and introduced him to the other love of my life, Paddy.

He's been a member of our family ever since.

The Assault

So this was an interesting week. I am such an idiot for contacting pp. He came over and was drunk. I didn't know he was drinking that much. He also smokes. That's besides the point.
Anyways, he tied me up (with my permission) but then he started hurting me and I asked him to stop many times, and he wouldn't. I finally got free after many minutes of struggling and bruising. I then got dressed, ran to the kitchen and got a knife, whereby I started slashing him. Then I splashed some Clorox after he wouldn't leave. Then I called the police and finally got some cops to come by 2 hours or so later. They arrested him shortly thereafter.

I called his stepdad - I wanted his dad's #, but he called his mom and then she called me. We spoke on the phone for 40 minutes.

Apparently, she knows he has a drinking problem. Didn't know about the std or me. I told her about his DUI and the assault. She didn't want to call him because her mom had a heart attack and she couldn't be with him. She is trying to contact his dad to be with him.

I feel bad cuz she sounded really distraught. I called her the day after to let her know that he was released that night from jail. She called back and thanked me for letting her know. I didn't call her back. He knows that she knows and hopefully he'll call her to let her know he is alright.

I don't know why I did that, I think it's cuz I know that I can't help him anymore, he doesn't want my help and now it's illegal for him to contact me, and I guess me contacting him would be a bad idea. So I told his mom, his stepdad, in the hopes that they care enough about him to get him some much needed help.

No matter what happens, I just wanted to be his friend. And that's how I justify it to myself. I didn't want him to go to jail, I didn't want him to hurt me. I didn't want him to get an STD or give me an STD, twice. I just wanted him to be STD-free, and alcohol-independent.

I just am sad because I wasn't able to help him in the end. I hope this is a wake-up call for him to straighten himself out. I hope he gets something for the DUI, even though he'll most likely get off for the "assault". I was kinda annoyed but then I was relieved, I don't want to get called into testify against him. In the end, I don't think I would have. I was partly responsible for calling him over. But that doesn't justify what he did.

Hex

So get this, the trainer at the gym has a following, well it's me and this girl that actually posted something on missed connections. I am pretty sure it's him because he was training this morning and he is the hottest trainer there.

I am going to have to move on from the guy, if he has a following, I better stay away. Also, he didn't call me back to train me so he must have a full schedule.

I am going to put a hex spell on pp. For giving it to me twice.

He is going to really have a string of bad luck.

I think I am finally over PS. It's finally over.

He is a moron.

I am going to get that cute trainer to train me, since I am getting a huge refund back. I am going to get a boyfriend and married by next September.

It's a good thing it's over, because I reserved that dress, putting money down. I wasn't ever getting near a relationship with pp.

So now, back to the dating pool.

I hope he runs and trains for the marathon with me.

Working for the UN and coming from money would be great too!

So it's finally over, I am so relieved. I couldn't even look at the guy anymore, he disgusts me. He disappointed me. He wasn't even clever or smart enough to take care of himself.

In some ways, I wish I never cared enough to harass him. He could still have it and get infertile. Hopefully for the sake of the future world, he is sterile or will choose to not have kids.

He is a dumb individual.

I would have went to the police or an attorney way before he threatened just now. Just end it already.

I could care less if an attorney reads this and tries to arrest me. I am entitled to free speech. As for the actual address, a lot of the time people are caricatured and slandered. Bush is slandered with a ton of people knowing where he lives.

The world keeps moving.

If he had a case, he would have gone to the lawyer and police already. They will just laugh it off in the same manner as he is laughable.

Flying away

A new day, a new world.

So I was text msg'ing pp because I wanted to let him know I got the test results records copied and printed out.

He didn't need them. I told him you're welcome or in the case that I gave it to you, then I'm sorry. He was like thanks, ditto. I also told him the next guy that gave it to me I will kill. He said it was understandable.

I said I don't even get an apology. And he wrote me "sorry may". Finally, acknowledgement and an expression of remorse. I said wow, I'm gonna save this tm and that I will stop bothering him. He said no bother... Then he asked me about ever being with a girl. I told him I was surprised that he wanted anything to do with me. And he said, "covered of course."

So the saga continues. I might shell out $300 for Ms. Madalyn Alsyn because I am confused and need guidance. She also doesn't seem to be a scam artist, since it's a one-time fee. I need to call her because I had blown her off.

I am getting a tidy sum of money back from my taxes. As soon as I get my Rudd property tax statement and then my CF W-2, I have all my other tax forms needed.

I am also bartending this Sunday for a small private get-together.

And to top it off, I am interviewing this Thursday for an IA position at a Fortune 500 consumer products company.

Anyways, I hope I get it so I can travel but it would entail 50% travel. And then I won't see pp and that would be over. Not sure if I should do that.

Sterility and Sleeping Dogs

Paddy is snoring. He sleeps so much. At least 14 hours a day.

I wonder if he has access to this website or even cares what I write anymore.

Catherine is on her tenth Mexican guy she is in love with.

Valerie the 'psychic' turned out to be a scam artist. She had me fill this Hellman's jar with water that I had cleansed my face with and it had turned black. Only I think she changed the jars. I had previously filled a Classico jar with water and she made me go find a Hellman's jar so I think she had switched the jars. The water didn't seem to be the same amount I had poured into mine, so that alerted me to the problem.

So I don't have any resolution on what to do with him.

He did tell me he has it. Or was diagnosed with being borderline - whatever that means. I have to go to my gynecologist and pay a bill and collect my records to show him. I wonder if we'll sleep with each other in the future. I obviously enjoy it immensely with him, so I'm up for it. He told me he'll call me in a few weeks with the records to let me know what the other results from the follow-up test are. It sounds kinda over. It sounds like he is fed up with me accusing him and acting all psycho. I am sorta sad about it. But it's a good thing to move on and find my true prince charming who will want to whisk me away to a castle and marry me and have me be the mother of his children.

Pp had told me that he didn't want to have any children, when I said he might be sterile. That's not good. I wonder why he doesn't want to have kids. I just said that it's good that his stupid genes won't be passed on.. I didn't want to pry since it wasn't like we were ever going to get married to each other, so it was a moot point.

Digging a hole

I have not heard from patrick... what's up with that? He yelled at me for reminding me to tell him about the results and I am trying to wait patiently, maybe he won't get the results til next Monday, in which that would definitely be over the 7 days that is needed to run the tests if he had taken it on Thursday.

Paddy is digging a hole in the couch to hide the cookie dog bone. Weird, he won't eat it but he will try and dig a hole for it. He ain't that swift, he takes after his namesake.

I have been seeing a psychic. Her name is Valerie. She looks like she is 14. She charged me for the initial consult and then 3 charts so it came to $80. I was supposed to see her mom, Theresa, but then she became my clairvoyant. She has been asking me to do these rituals, like bathe in sea salts, and dress in white. I just wanted to find out what the future holds and if he is the one for me. But she said the vibrations are not coming in that clear and she doesn't know yet. She said that I was destined to meet him, that I was supposed to meet him. She said that he is a nice guy.

My friend Leigh Ann said she is off-target there.

Her mom saw me last time cuz they have to battle two generations and said there was a man who loves me, but there was great confusion and miscommunication. I wonder if she meant him since the verdict was still out with Valerie. Since I like clinging to hope, I didn't want to correct her. I see her tomorrow night right before hanging out with Eneida. I haven't seen her in a while since she handled the closing of the coop.

Now Paddy is staring off into the distance, I wonder if he can tell the future. I wonder if he was a real human boy in a previous life.

What is up with pp? Should I just wait it out or will it be like last time, waiting for an answer and finally calling him a month or so later, and he denies ever having it. I wonder if he dug himself a hole he can't get out of.

Moment of Truth............

Tom Brady is a hottie. I hope the Patriots win against the Colts.

I am wondering if I should go to Manchester in April to watch Cristiano Ronaldo of the United Manchester football team. It will cost about $660 for the airfare and then another $400 for the hotel and probably another $200 for the tickets. There are two games though.

Is he hot enough to justify it?

So the results of the test will be back tomorrow. I wonder if he will tell me the truth. He was the only one who could have given it to me.

Lobster Pasta

I took off this post as well. My dog ate the leftovers of my lobster, he is one lucky dog.

I want pp to owe me an apology. I don't even think him dating me after this would help at all. It'll be like a pity relationship. HAHAHA.