Over with Chris

So who would have thought it would be so over with him? Turns out that he was lying about his age. He is 23, not 25, and still in undergrad school. He is a liar and loser. I am not that into him. There are no words to truly describe his patheticness.

Birthday Parties and dog runs

So I had a birthday party that didn't turn out so well. Chris didn't show up. Big Surprise there. Now his phone doesn't even ring, it goes straight to voicemail. I am going to meet Jonathan tonight, I waited til Saturday for Chris.

Jonathan is definitely hotter than Chris. I have to get the photo of Tootell back on here. I think that if I had to choose, it'll still be Chris since I will most likely be his gf at the end of this month. His phone is still turned off though.

John Fitzgerald is the best looking of them all. Together with his occupation, he beats Patrick and all the other guys, including sadly Chris, hands down. I think that Chris is going to be my boyfriend and husband. That email he sent me yesterday wishing me happy birthday means he is thinking of me.


That's a picture of John. The first one is a better pic. There was a photo he had given me that was really hot. But he is super hot in person.

Just returned from the dog run. Paddy and Guga had a blast and they are napping right now. Wish I had a great camera to capture their naps on.

Scandals

Do I put a scandalous pic of Chris God win and have his name out there for all to see? We'll see if he comes to my party tomorrow. I am going to prepare for him not being there. I think he will show his head when his finals are over. I don't know though if his schedule matches what it says on the Hunter site. He attends Hunter's Physical Therapy Program.

I am not sure if I like him or even think he is cute. I hope he does come tomorrow. I called him and ever since talking to him, I have not heard from him. He has not told me he is cancelling on me which leads me to believe he is still coming. Although I don't want to count on it and be disappointed. I am getting roller curlers tomorrow, so I am excited. I want to get my hair to look like Blair Waldorf's (aka Leighton Meester):

I think she is so pretty. Much prettier than Blake Lively. I watch that show like it's the Bible. I can't find so many spoilers about it. But this site is good. Can you believe she is a natural blonde? It's strange how she looks so perfect being a brunette.

I am going to keep updating this entry as I am not that busy at work.

It's my birthday btw.

In like with Chris

So I reconnected with Chris. I met him on February 9. Before that we text messaged each other a lot. I really enjoy texting him. I am not sure I am in love with him. I really like him. I hooked up with him in February. He is also cute. He is becoming a physical therapist and is a trainer. I met him the same time as Joseph. He had a gf. We really connect and he wants the same things as I do.

We've talked about moving in, marriage, and how many kids we want. I really think he could be the one. He is 25 so it's peculiar that he wants to settle down in a year and a half which is about the time I want to get married in September.

I'll upload pics. He's not as hot as Patrick but is as cute as Joseph. Only with Joseph, I felt like the great conversations with him. With Christopher, I can't really tell but the text messages he sends me brings a smile to my face. I hope he can text message me today while I am in class. I could really have found the one.

Chris is coming to my birthday party on Saturday. We'll see how it goes.

Thank You

My tea's gone cold,
I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad
It's not so bad
I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad
It's not so bad and
I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life
Push the door
I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and through
Then you handed me a towel and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and
I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

This song reminds me of how it is when Chris and I text message or email each other all day long. He really likes me and enjoys text messaging me. I have to get the conversation we had on Monday on this thing. He really likes me. More than I like him, I am afraid. But that's all good.

No one dies in La Clemenza di Tito

My Wedding

I have picked my bridesmaid's gowns.

I really like the bow in the back, it adds a flippancy to the wedding party.

I am going to ask the following to be in my wedding party:

Catherine Slon iger

Helen Chig iri nskaya

Shira Laza rus

I am so excited about the bridesmaid.

I had already found my bridal gown about 3 years ago and a year ago put a deposit on it.

Book I lent to Joseph after he lent me a book about Mormonism

My dogs are barking

So Joseph is out of commission, seems like he has a weak immune system when he goes back home to Wisconsin. I really miss him. I offered to get him some food but he is ignoring me. He is even ignoring random calls to his phone. So he must be asleep. I wonder if he is okay.

Went to see Peter Grimes with Chiemi, very good for $20 seats

Brett Favre

A sweet thing that Joseph did, one of the sweet things he did was thank me for sending him an article about the retirement of Brett Favre. He said it truly brought a tear to his eye. He is a big Green Bay Packers fan as he is from Wisconsin. He even flew to Wisconsin to cheer on his Badgers. He also made the cutest comment that he tried to bring me back a badger but it was confiscated by security.

How can he be so cute and loveable?

this too shall pass

I know it sucks, it helps us in binds and depresses us when we want the moment to last forever.

Fight Club

What's going on tonight? Watching Fight Club first time since ever I first saw it. I swore to see it again and here it is 8 years later. 2007. 1999, I didn't watch it in the movie theatre, I watched it at home. Like my pathetic lazy ass life.

Strange movie.

Not as strange as my life.

I LOVE PP STILL. I left him a love note on his door. I wonder if he still lives there. I can always email that woman, she is my last contact with pp.

GIANTS WIN THE NFC GAME!!! =)

The Giants won the NFC (National Football Conference) Game. I AM SO HAPPY AND EXCITED!!!

The Giants are in the Super Bowl!

Go Eli and the Giants!!!

I watched the first half at my parents' home in Bayside, then drove home during halftime, and got home to watch them defeat the Green Bay Packers in OT (Overtime). That was the ritual for the NFC Division Title against the Dallas Cowboys. I will follow that ritual for the Super Bowl and am crossing my fingers for Eli Manning, Michael Strahan, Tom Coughlin the coach and the rest of the Giants.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

I have lost 2 pounds since stopping the paranoia medication, so far 4 days. I am at 115. I topped out at 118. I was at 96 before the medication. I stopped having the hunger pangs in the middle of the night. It reminds me of the The Cure song "like to watch you eat in the middle of the night" which has physical undertones.

I emailed back JK, he emailed me about his adventure trekking website in November, most likely a mass emailing, then I emailed him back Dec 31, he emailed me back Jan 8, and then I emailed him a day ago to see if he got married or engaged yet.

I got a bookcase with bottom drawer (ALVE) at IKEA, two wastebaskets, a set of dinnerware utensils, and 2 glass jars (for sugar and P&G's doggie snacks). My brother will help me install it on Thursday.

I am working in CT tomorrow (Martin Luther King Jr Day) so most likely will get a comp day on Friday, so I can get my brother to come over to my apartment to help me lug over and assemble the bookcase on Thursday night. He and his gf at the time helped assemble the first bookcase. This time I will give it a try.

Yep, that's the exciting news on my end. I am determined to use this blog as a daily log / check up for my recovery.

follows

I wonder if he has access to this site.

So a girl emailed me about that other site where his name appears. I felt bad telling her what had happened. I guess it will follow him wherever he goes.

I have a half marathon I am intent on running although 6 miles is the highest I've run, I have to run 8-9 miles tomorrow.

I just spent over 1k on 12 pants, 4 skirts, and 6 suit jackets. I was way depressed and stressed out at work. I decided to stop taking the paranoia medication because of the weight gain. I also gave up on stocking on Pepsi so I can cut down on calories.

I saw the cute guy at work in CT. I may have to go into work this coming Monday, Martin Luther King Jr day. Work is getting stressful.

Paddy is snoring underneath this chair while Guga is sleeping in his Manchester United bed.

back to running

So I've finally kickstarted my return to the gym. I feel and look fat. It's not a self-esteem issue. Since going on the meds, I've gained about 5 lbs. This is also from getting hunger pangs. I'm doing 3 miles at a 9:30 pace, I have to improve this to 8:30 to qualify for the Boston Marathon.

I've registered for the Big Sur International Marathon in Carmel, CA on Sunday April 27, 2008. I am determined to run this marathon and even ordered a long-sleeve jersey. I'm getting really psyched about the location, it's on Highway 1 in Cali, however it's very hilly, so I have started to incorporate hills in my treadmill training. When the weather gets better in February, I'll take the training outdoors. I have to start waking up in the mornings to get to the gym. When I wake up at 6am, it's dark outside, so it's hard to get out of bed. I'll just set both alarms on my clock within 10 minutes of each other to force me to get out of bed twice. The second time should reinforce my motivation to get to the gym. My goal is to complete the marathon in less than 3:40.

Paddy and Guga are getting along much better these days, they are not fighting each other. Their playfighting doesn't escalate to any cuts or bruises, so I am getting relieved. Guga is still not pad-trained, he'll go on the one area of the kitchen that is not covered with a wee wee pad.

I need to make a new run mix. I've downloaded some older running beat songs, just have to make a playlist of them.

Justin Timberlake is on SNL tonight. My life has become thankfully normal and boring.

Day before...

So tomorrow is my first day back to work. I'm feeling very trepidatious. Paddy and Guga are snoring away on the couch. I have to post the pics of the two dogs that were taken over the summer by a Japanese female photographer I met at an event that I bartended at.

Tonight I went to dinner at Applebee's with my parents who were trying to iron out my nerves.

At work, I hope I'm able to carry on about my nasty bout with pneumonia.

I've been bidding like a fiend on a bunch of eBay auctions. I found the nicest pair of shoes and a lovely shirt. I've gotta get back to work. I hope it goes well. I'll try to fill a blog entry out each night, a therapeutic blogging.

I wonder who commented on April 29. Whoever you are, the one person who reads this blog, state who you are!

Thanksgiving Day

It's Thanksgiving, and I am using this journal to write down my feelings. I had gotten discharged from the hospital last Tuesday November 13th, after an 11 day stay in the Payne Whitney Clinic.

I'm thankful for my parents, my brother and good friends, who have supported me. I am also hoping that the workplace is supportive. I am trying to schedule a meeting with my manager on Wednesday to go back and then come back to the Intensive Outpatient Program on Thursday to report how it went.

I'll try and check in daily and write my feelings down.

Paddy and Guga the Boston Terrier really missed me. I am going back to my apartment tomorrow night with Guga until Sunday morning.

thoughts about pp

I have two blogs, one about my dogs that I've shared with friends and this one, where I am anonymous. I had this blog to vent about pp. Now I can vent about him some more. I have been going to therapy for 11 months, and I don't really mention him to either my psychiatrist or my therapist. I am on an anti-depressant, I am off the anti-paranoia and anxiety medication. I was pretty messed up in 2006. I wonder still to this day why he kept f*ing with me. I mean I am on psychotic drugs, and he knew in 2006 that I got on them and he still continued to mess with me.

I am kinda low on money. Money is the root of all evil. I bought the iPhone and I completely was not figuring that into my budget. I want him to pay for my $72.05 medical bill, I know it sounds petty, but I feel like he got off scot-free from this. He never even apologized to me. Yeah, sure he had a court order restricting him from contacting me, but he can totally have apologized to me after they let go of the case. I have his mother's and stepdad's phone number but I won't call and bother them, since it's not their fault they raised a horrible son.

Not that I am bitter or anything.

Sometimes I wish back when I met him, when the cab broke down, I should have heeded the warning from God, and ran away. I wasted 3 years on him. I mean I guess if what he told me was true, he had been in a 3 year and a 5 year relationship, which I am assuming are real girlfriends and not this messed up thing we had. I mean Cat who is the only one who knows the truth behind everything, since I can't admit this to my therapist yet alone my friends, since I know it sounds pretty crazy. But he really did drive me crazy, and it's not like I hid this from him in 2006, when he found out that I broke into his vm. And she said that I should be messed up. He came over and tied me up, and then abused me. What kind of sane guy does that? If a girl says no, that means no. He actually said something to the effect you have to finish what you start, which creeped me out. And then he told me he had lied about all this other stuff, like weird shit.

This is the only place I can rant and rave about him, I can't tell my therapist because she'll probably call me the psycho, when I think we were both psycho. She did bring out something that's interesting, after I kept saying I wanted him to stop contacting me, she asked me why didn't I just stop contacting him. I don't know how to put it, but maybe Cat hit it on the head when she said that maybe I like it when someone is agressive and assertive and orders me around. How sick is that?

I haven't been on a real date, maybe ever. I am 30 years old and it's looking ever so bleak.

You know what's funny though??? I may be filing the taxes for his soccer club. That would be karma though, I think I've spent so much blood and tears on him, I might as well reap some profit over it. Too bad he doesn't do anything with them. Seems to have moved onto rugby and they don't have a listserv I can infiltrate.

Cat said that when I had that other guy JT and mentioned why I didn't want him, she said it was just an excuse it wasn't pp.

Sometimes I think I won't ever get married. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I really think I loved him or I think I am still in love with him, despite everything that has happened. Whatever kind of person I thought he was. I mean he smoked the last time I saw him, or he smokes. I never wanted to date a smoker. I have the cigarettes I bought for him the last time. I may mail it back to him, each cigarette individually.

I hope he moved away. If he knows what's good for him, he'll move back to Toledo. I don't think I'll ever do anything to him. The pet store is next to his bldg. I wonder if he moved away though. He put a lot of money into that apartment -- there is an automatic keypad lock.

After I broke into his vm and he didn't contact me in over a year, I never thought I would see him again. I am sure I'll never see him again after I got him arrested. I just wish he would pay my medical bill since he was responsible for it.

Claim

I wanted to file a claim in small claims court against pp, even emailed him about it. I have to pay 72.05 in medical bills plus my insurance company was inquiring about the whole incident and what caused it. I should just say it's my own fault and pay it myself so I don't ever have to deal with it. I wish I made more so I could.

I've decided to scan in the court documents against him. If he makes me pay for this, I will have my last say in the matter.

I am very sick with bronchitis.

I am going to leave him alone though, and not file anything since that will prolly not be progress according to my therapy.